Behind the Curtain of Sunflowers

The ballerina toppled to the ground. I thought she was a dancer. I had watched that young ballerina I called my sister since I was a little girl. Jayon would dazzle the audience at her recitals. She grew from those recitals to teaching the three-year olds how to wiggle to being the “ballerina dancing girl from Colby, Texas.” People would come from all around to watch my sister dance. I would watch from behind the curtain. After the show she would come back, pick me up and twirl me around. It all began to fade. One day Jayon didn’t dance anymore. She got married. She ran away from the light as I stepped in.

“Kaleigha, you can’t just decide you’re going to marry this boy. Do you really know?” Jayon flopped on the bed. Visiting my hometown meant going to my sister’s house to hear pointless rebuking about my life. I curled a piece of my straight blonde hair between my fingers. “Jay, sometimes you just know. I’m not engaged or anything yet. I’m just saying he’s the one.” Jayon could never understand me. She never had. Why now? She was almost a divorced single mom at thirty years old. When Jayon dropped out of dance school she thought life was made with her pilot husband. He left her alone when Sadie Jay was only months old. She couldn’t handle life so she let our parents take control of Sadie Jay while she tried to rule her own world. The whole time I stood behind the curtain watching as I always had. I lived my life the way it “should” be while she let the wind rule her direction in it. No one believed in her anymore, but me. I watched her dance my whole life… until now. My daydreams were brought back into reality as Sadie Jay bounced into the room. Jayon dove on the floor tackling her, giggling in spasms. I loved to watch Jayon play with Sadie Jay. It was like she was babysitting. She didn’t really know how to be a mom. Sadie Jay was the good part of Jayon. The only part she let shine.

Being home for a few days brought everything into perspective for me. My dad had always been too busy to deal with family problems. When Jayon went through her fiasco and moved back in, he just let it be. He knew that there was no way to change her mind. My mama tried so hard. My mama would bake us cookies to cover problems. She would sit down and pray for us asking God to cleanse us for all of our wrongs. I once saw her crying in the garden when Jayon stormed out of the house. In Jayon’s presence my mom was tough, but not once she slammed the door in her face. I always saw the darkness as I stood behind the curtain. Mama wanted her to do something with her life. It hurt her to see Jayon have multiple flings with guys at her random waitress jobs or to see her leave Sadie Jay to go to the local bar. She just needed to grow up. We all wanted things to be normal, but if no one could reach the stubborn girl then nothing could be normal.

“Maddy’s coming in town tomorrow. She just got done with one of those Pre-Broadway shows. I figure I’ll take Sadie Jay over to see her. She hasn’t seen her since she was born.” Maddy was the maid of honor in Jayon’s wedding and Maddy is the one who flew from New York to Dallas to put the shambles of Jayon’s divorce into good light. They had danced together all of their lives. The only difference is that when Jayon ran away from the light, Maddy kept on dancing. Maddy accepted her. I was sure they talked about Jayon getting back into her groove, maybe even teaching a dance class. She was so filled with pride that even listening to Maddy became obsolete.

I roamed around the attic like I had never been there before. When I was little it was the place my friends and I would hide so they didn’t have to go home. We used to play dress up in Mama’s old hippie clothes. Now there were stacks of scrapbooks and old clothes. I prayed they would never be passed on to Sadie Jay. I scrolled through an old bright yellow scrapbook. There were many pictures of Christmas at Grandma Ruth’s, birthday parties at the skating rink; pictures of every event of our lives were in those dusty pages. One caught my eye. I was standing beside Jayon looking up to her. I must have been about seven. Jayon was eleven. She was in her ballet gear and I was wearing a cheerleading outfit. Her blonde hair was pulled tightly in a bun. She was smiling from ear to ear. I pulled myself into the memory of the picture where it was warm like I was rolled in a blanket. I remembered she had just won the talent show at the town auditorium. She was jumping up and down with her trophy. “I’m gonna be a dancer like the Rockettes, Kaleigha! I’m gonna be a Rockette! Don’t ever give up your dreams, kid, because they do come true.” It seemed strange at the time because she was only eleven, but in my eyes she ruled the world. I clutched the picture close to my heart and felt a tear trickle down my cheek.

I awoke in my old bed as Jayon shook my shoulders. “Leigha, Leigha, Maddy’s gone,” She screamed. “Maddy was killed in a car accident last night.” I wiped the sleep out of my eyes. “What?” Her blonde hair was strung against her face. I had never seen my sister cry and even then there was not a tear in her eye. I wondered why she had come to me. Jayon never went to anyone. I didn’t know what to do or what to say so I just stared at her. “What do I do now? I don’t understand. Her mom just called and she just told me. Like one minute she was there and then she wasn’t and...and....I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I just talked to her, Kaleigha. She was coming here. She’s coming. She’s coming to see Sadie Jay.“ She rambled and I stared. Suddenly she got very quiet and just rocked as I noticed myself putting my arms around her. I was not standing behind the curtain on this one. She stared blankly at me. “She was the only light to dancing that I had left.”

The next few days were a blur. We spent many hours at Maddy’s childhood home. Her mother and father held up very well. Her older brother and his family were in town already. It was weird to see all of my old friends come to visit the household to pay their respects. My mama just baked and smiled and tried to go on with the merry day. She kept telling Maddy’s mother that God’s will was hard to understand and how wonderful Maddy was. When I wasn’t with them, I stayed at home to watch Sadie Jay. It was fun to watch her though because she was so innocent and just molding. Who knew what she would become. Jayon once said she would not let Sadie make any of the decisions she had because she wanted her to live a life like me. I remember that clearly because she had never admitted that she respected me. I could see it in her eyes, she didn’t need to tell me. I watched Jayon during the funeral behind my curtain. She tried to be strong because that is what everyone knew of her. They tried to console her because everyone knew those two girls were inseparable. Jayon just cracked a smile and said a quick thanks. She was drowning in her own pain but didn’t want to be touched.

She didn’t let a tear fall from her eyes, but it was written across her face. I realized it now. Jayon had been doing all of the wrong things with her life and she knew it. She felt invincible because she had to. She had been running through the sunflowers, running away from the bumblebees and had never been stung. Until now. Now she was knocked down in that sunflower field and didn’t know where to turn.

I carried my packed bags outside getting ready to say my goodbyes. The garden had large sunflowers sprouting as spring had arrived. I was staring into the mass of dirt and flowers trying to put together the last few days. “Hey, you ready to leave?” I turned to see Jayon standing there. She had neatly put her hair in a ponytail. Her hands were stuffed into her jeans pocket with her Julliard sweatshirt thrown over an old t-shirt. “Just thinking about you falling in a field of sunflowers.” She sat beside me. “Running through them away from bees?” I stared over at her. “How’d you guess?” “Oh, Leigha, I know you better than you know yourself. Running and running. You think I’m running from the bees. And I got stung this time.” I nodded my head. I saw her wipe away a tear from her eye. The first time in my life. “Remember you used to watch me dance from behind the curtain? Like you got a show entirely to yourself back there.” I nodded again wondering why she was remembering that. “I wanted to dance well for you. I wanted you to believe in me.” “But, I did believe in you.” She let the tears fall down her pristine face. “It seems you were the only one.” Then she stopped. “Except Maddy.”

“I know.”

“I’m going to get my life back on track. No more running. I don’t want to hear your lecture this time either. The last time I spoke to Maddy she knew. She knew she was going. She said I can’t ever get on with my life unless I wake up and go. She woke me up, the kind of wake me up where they slap you and jump on the bed until you throw your pillow at them.” I saw her gently smile. I felt tears coming to my eyes because I had wanted this for so long. “Can’t wait to hear Mama’s thank you God, Hail Marys!” She hugged me and I almost fell off of the side of the garden but I hugged her back. She got up and dusted off her jeans.

“So, what’s next for you and Sadie Jay?”

“I’m putting her in dance glass at the old gallery. And, best of all, I’m teaching that dance class. Well, first I have to find my ballet slippers, but my daughter has some skills to learn from this old pro.”

I always knew my sister was a dancer.